solitude

ill never be the same
lost in the darkness
i was abandoned by the people i loved
left to suffer and hurt

you look at me
but you dont see me
you dont see my heart

its right there on the floor
i needed you
but the world needed you more

yes my heart is on the floor
i already stepped into the black door
i am being eaten alive by my own fears
and still nobody cares

its like being buried alive
i am screaming and no one hears
i am being over looked

never again will i be the same
i am dead now
i am gone
its too late

even if i recover ill forever remember
i hope you never forget it either
i lived for you.

i was never the same when she died
a part of me became filled with sorrow
filled with pain

and now here i am
i am covered in my own blood
my heart is on the floor and i need u
the knife you used to hurt me is still in your hands
yet no blood as touched your white shirt
my heart is on the floor
i need you more than ever
i need you to save me
if you dont save me
ill forever be lost in solitude
i need u more than ever please
everywhere i look i see you...
i need you
i need you
i need you to love me
i need you to save me
i need you ........................

A love letter to my precious Angel

so small so special
so innocent
my angel

my baby i hurt you
baby i am so sorry
i wasn't thinking about you
i was being selfish

i only wanted out
i did it the easy way
now i am suffering
i am being tortured

baby i am so sorry
i am so very hurt
i am so very very sorry
i was stupid

baby i cry for you each day
its like i am fighting a battle i wont win
i didn't fight for you
i didn't try hard enough
i am sorry, i didn't believe in myself
i didn't think i would have been strong enough

i wish i can take it all back
i wish i can rewind time
i wish i could do it in slow motion
i miss you baby i do i really do

i wanted to meet you
i wanted to see your eyes
i wanted to listen to your Lil fluttering heart beat
baby i wanted to kiss your fingers
but i am so weak ...i submitted to defeat....

baby i want to hear your voice
i didn't make the right choice
baby you would have been the lesson i needed
now i wont learn what i needed
i wont ever find out what was going to be
baby why cant u come back to me?


i deserve all the misfortune in this world
i deserve to loose all i have
i deserve to be in pain
i deserve to be tortured
i deserve to loose your dads love

you needed me to be strong
you needed me to love you enough to keep you
you needed me to love you to fight for you
we would have been just fine
i was too afraid, i am sorry

oh i miss the beat of your tiny heart
i miss orange soda
i gave up an opportunity so grand
i gave up the chance to meet you
to kiss your tiny hands
look into your beautiful eyes
i bet they would have been chocolate like your dads

oh baby i am sorry
i would trade my happiness and comfort
to have one chance to meet you
i would trade my life for yours
i didn't want the pain
but living with this hurt and loss is far worst than before
i would trade it all my child i would

baby i love you
i am sorry i didn't love you enough
i am sorry .....
i don't know what your daddy thinks
i cant say how he feels
but baby even if you didn't have him you will have me
baby i loved you before i was even sure you were there
you made me all fuzzy ...was that your way of telling me?

baby you will always be my first
i will never let anyone take that away
i already allowed them to take you
i am so sorry i am such a bad person
i wanted to keep u so bad but i didn't think i was strong enough
i doubted myself, made myself weak
i feel so empty now...even worst when i am not sure your daddy is even with me
oh baby i love you ..


cant you ask god to come back
come back for a day
are u the one in my dreams?
is it you that i keep seeing?

i think i have one more thing to tell you
i am sorry...i know i was wrong to keep it all to myself
its eating away at me
i knew ...
i am sorry i knew and didn't say anything
i didn't want to face reality
i didn't want to know
but that day
i knew for sure you was apart of me
i didnt need a test to prove
our already formed bond was getting stronger
i couldn't hide it anymore
baby i cant blame what i did on anyone but myself
but how do i explain to the love of my life that i wanted to go against him
how was i going to explain the one thing he didn't want was here?
i now know that i would rather explain that than be missing you
i am worst than my own mother
i said i was better but i am not
but i had the choice and i choose myself over you
i am sorry my mind is like broken glass
my heart is like shattered mirror
i am bleeding to death in my mind
i am dying without you
you may not understand what i am feeling
but when i took your life i became a killer

Your daddy said you were a boy
I didnt choose but now i know you are my little Angel

Micheal
101109

Lets Plan on Forever

You have become my world
You became a part of me
You became a part of my dreams

Fell so hard and survived
Don't ever want to go back
Want to do this forever

Why not Dream with me
Why not chase the moon with me
Why not plan with me

I never planned on you
Never planned on falling
Never dreamed i could feel this way

I never knew i could care so much
Never knew i could love so much
Never Knew how much you make me happy

No matter what happens
Once i see you everything Melts
You are my kryptonite

I am so much better now
I can commit to a task and complete it.
You keep me centered

When i feel like i am about to breakdown
You keep me together
You keep me strong

I didn't know i could be this nice
So calm and understanding
You make everything crystal clear

I feel so proud when i see you
I feel blessed
I feel like its right

I cant see my future without you
I cant see myself alone
It brings tears to my eyes just imagining if i lost you

This is all so new to me
I know i am different now
You do things to me i never felt before

I love your smile
That look in your eyes
When you look at me

When i am with you
I see no one else
Time stops

Nothing else matters
I don't care who wont like it
But you make me happy

I want to make you happy
I want to cook for you a whole lot more (lol)
I want to dance with you

I want to laugh with you
I want to hold you when you cry
I want to show you me

I want to share my memories
Want to share my culture
My passion, My all.

I want to take care of you when you are sick
I want to kiss you in the rain
I want to hold you when you cry

I don't care if you get dirty once in a while
I want to hug you even when you are sweaty or covered in paint
I want to get lost with you.

How do i live with it all?
Because i love you
I want to plan forever with you

Broken promises

don't make me any promises
don't say we can be
don't say its will always be me
don't say you love me
don't say you are mine
don't say you will never leave

promises you made me believe in
promises that made me weak
promises that broke me
nothing but broken promises

dont say you will stay
dont say u wont change
dont say i can be your wife
cuz id never fit into your life

how could i let this happen
i gave you all of me
i gave you my heart
i gave you the best of me

tears, screams, whimpers
yells, whispers, sobs

cries in the dark
soundless cries

it hurts so much
it hurts to know that its all a lie
it hurts to know that i didnt know
it hurts to know you knew

i cant stop the tears
my mind betrayed my heart
i walked right into my death willingly
i cry for you so much you will never understand

i walked into it but it broke my heart
i never knew such pain
my greatest fear
i been sleeping with
i never knew such pain

i can take a stab a thousand times
i can take drowning
i can take getting shot
ill take it all a hundred times than to feel this pain
to be in such agony
ill take it all rather than this pain in my heart

i love you i love you so much
i truly love you
you make me stronger
i have never loved anyone the way that i love you
and i swear to god i will never love anyone the way i love you

Love Suicide

You left but its like you still here
Why can i still feel you
Isnt this over?

Why do i feel this way?
I am confused
I dont know what i want

No I know what i want
I want to be happy
I dont want to be sad

Its like wanting poison that is bad for you
I am walking straight into my death
I am playing to win

If i win this game i wont get the prize i want
No matter what i do i will never get what i truly want

MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP MY TEARS!!!!
TAKE AWAY MY PAIN PLEASE !!!

PLEASE

PLEASE..........

Its a death sentense
Its a set up to get hurt

(second voice) You are going to get hurt
(me) no i wont its love
(second voice) love is the mostly deadly poison every you will die!!

Maybe i want to die
Maybe i dont want to have anymore pain in this world
Maybe i wont have to cry anymore

I wont be chained anymore
LET ME GO!!!!
in the end i guess i have to fall

Will always find myself in the ashes no matter how much i try

Blinded by lust
Hindered by love
Death yet to arrive

He is

I am happy
I am loved
I am beautiful
I am his

He is incredible
He is amazing
He is mine to keep
He is loved

He is not too much
He is not too little
He is just the way i want him to be
He is mine

His hair is soft
His lips are warm
His arms are welcoming
His eyes are mirrors of our lives

His voice is soothing to my ache
His touch is comforting
His stare is Admiring
His presence is intense

And i love it and i want it all

Death is Pleasing To the Killer

Walking towards me
My feet slightly apart
Gun in hand gripped firmly
Everything slows down

My mind is suddenly clear
Every movement is suddenly in sight
Every sound is pronounced
My body is suddenly cold
And it feels great
- CLICK- safety off now
I wonder to myself
Would i really pull the trigger?

YES

There he stood with blood
smeared all over himself
Blood dripping from his fingers

A faint thud

There is no hope
I stand with my gun in hand
Already drifted to that place
Where i could kill and feel
No regret, no hesitation 
He held my heart in his hands

Thuds soo faintly

My heart is gone and so was his

(gun fire once)

The bullet went
Where i wanted it to go
The same place where 
His went.......

Can You Walk A Mile In My Shoe?

do you know what it feels like to be in pain 24/7's?
do you know what it feels like to be screaming and no one hears you?
do you know how it feels to have a head ache that never goes away at all?
do you know what it feels like to want your family and they cant be with you?
do you know what its like to have tears rolling down your cheeks and there is no one to wipe em away?
do you know what its like to feel like there is no love here?
do you know how it feels to be invisible?
ever felt like some one is choking you can you cant stop it?
ever felt like you cant breathe even when the fan is in your face?
ever felt like some has a knife piercing through your heart back and forth slowly?
ever had some one listen to your pain but they never really heard what you said?
do you know what its like to know the one you want the most doesn't even wanna see you?
do you really mean it when you say you live each day like its your last, but when you go to sleep you still think of thing you wanna do the next day...if you really live each day like its your last then you wouldn't be looking forward to the next.
do know how it feels to bottle up all your pain? afraid to tell anyone? not even god?
have you lost the one person who really understood you?
have you ever wanted sugar and got salt?
have you ever had everyone who cares around you and still be lonely?
have you ever felt hated by your own blood?
have you ever felt that the truth would kill you?
do you know what its like to want someone to hug you and tell you its going to be ok?
when was the last time someone held you and cried with you?
do you still have dreams? aspirations? goals? if you still do then you ain't ready to leave this world yet..

there is no medicine strong enough to take my pain away
there ain't no one who knows my pain
ain't no one who understands me 
ain't no one gonna stand for my judgement
ain't no one gonna keep my heart beating for me
ain't no one gonna be able to put me together again
stopped dreaming on January 15, 2009...started accepting things in life and waiting for my expiration date

I Cherish You

I have called your name over a hundred times already
you held my hand so i wouldn't fall
you waited an hour for me until i was ready
you always picked up not matter when i call
you wiped my tears
you waited at the bottom of the stairs
you help me get through my darkest fears
oh i cant explain it feels like years
you read my poem out loud 
you remind me of the silver lining in each cloud
you gave me the benefit of the doubt
i adore you so much i just want to shout 
tenderness and kindness you show
sympathy and love you give me when i am feeling low
how much you really, really care the world may never know
but i do...
because i cherish you
i love you
and everything that you do
stand by me forever they never thought
but i always knew
through thick and thin you would be there 
with open arms and an ear
i feel so lucky to have you here
so many things went wrong
so many days that seemed so long
oh how i would seek comfort in our song
for when you are not here i don't feel as if i belong
you do not give me strength but you remind me that i am strong
heaven only knows the joy you bring to my life
the way you make me laugh
no price is fair enough if i had to purchase what you give
i don't wanna miss anything, life is too short not to live happy
even if not my best you still love me
and even when you are not with me i still love you
i believe in you
and everything you do
waking up to someone like you 
its a great feeling, like i am renewed
i cherish you
for being you
and when the sun refuses to shine
i will cherish you
and when the moon turns black
i will always have your back
and when no one is around 
i will be here
to cherish, love and care
i love you so much words are not enough to express ow happy i am
i thank god that he blessed me with you....

And So She Passed

my voice is gone, i am trying to speak to you
but no matter how i try no sound is there
i am loosing my color, i am trying to touch you
but i cant find the strength to reach out
i am so pale, can you see me?
i am slowly fading, do you notice?
i cannot hear the sounds around me
only the slow beats of my heart 
thudding so slowly, only a matter of time before it stops
my viison is decreasing rapidly
everything is a blurr
i cannot find my way home
my feet stumble againist each other 
how can i find m way home?
my oxygen supply is running out
it feels like someone is choking me 
gasp, gasp.....
its like all my senses are dead
i cant even smell 
i am drowing in the stench of pain 
the agonny of dying alone
how do i tell you i love you?
how do i stop this?
you are the cure to my sickness
can you see me to heal me?
do you care enough to help me?
are you so cold you will stand and watch me die?

[ news report just in]

Lacianne Chellcy Russell Martin was found dead at her home in the bahamas at around 5:35pm, tuesday november 4th, 2008, a note was found but with evidence found on arrival the words faded so faintly no one could comprehend what was written. the crime scene unit didnt bother to investigate for this case wasnt homocide or sucide but was of natural causes...post mortem reveals she died from a broken heart. 


[breaking news*] 

a call just came in..it was said that miss russell was at the doctor about an hour before her death, the doctor told us....''as i listened to her chest, i heard no weezing but i had to ask if she suffered from heart problems because of the rate her heart was beating. it was as if it was chasign somting. i went on to examine her further where i found signs of a chest infection. i wrote her a note to the pharmacy for treatment to begin immeaditly.'' it is believed that she was too far along to be saved...the medicine was no help at all....now the search begins for the person who broke her heart!!!